Making Fun of NFL Headlines 7/23/08

So, just to change things up, I am going to do a shorter post today that is going to make fun of some of the latest headlines from the NFL from both Yahoo Sports and ESPN.

Yahoo Sports

Source: Goodell is watching Favre Situation- Hey, is this the same guy who fined Bill Belichick $500,000 for simply watching some defensive signals? What a hyprocrite?


Hester Skips Bear Camp in Holdout- In related news, Hester has recently been spotted using his blazing speed to run the hell away from Chicago.


Bears, Top Pick Williams Agree to Deal- In related news, Williams has recently been spotted using his not-so-blazing speed to run the hell away from Chicago.


Broncos WR Rod Smith to Retire?- It's about time. This guy is like 500 years old.


Rams DE Wroten Suspended for Season- He must have done some pretty Wrotten things.


ESPN

Report: NFL Security Visits Vikings on Favre Charge- In related news, the NFL announces that the use of phrases like "Favre Charge" are a part of a new promotion that has been codenamed "Rhyme Time".

Army Says Campbell Can't Play for Lions- Lions say Campbell can't go to the Army. Touché.

Coughlin Hints Shockey Put Himself Above Team- Coughlin means that Shockey is a narcissistic jerk.

Raiders Tell Jordan to Stay Away from Camp: ESPN now reports that Jordan refused to comply with with team orders and was promptly swallowed alive by the Black Hole.

6 Keys to Fantasy Football Success

I know that there is a lot of time between now and the start of the NFL regular season. I mean come on, the Preseason hasn't even started yet. But I really don't care.

In an effort to provide you with the most up-to-date Fantasy Football news on the planet, I am providing you the secret to my fantasy football success (league champion in at least one league for the past 5 years). I am, for the sake of my readership, divulging the most highly-regarded trade secrets in the world of fantasy football. Don't believe me? Drive over to my house and you will find LaDainian Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson guarding my front door with a pair of AK-47s.

So, without further ado, let's dig in to the six, top-secret secrets that will power you to fantasy football success through your fantasy draft.

1. Don't Be Stupid, Pick a Running Back: I don't care if you have the biggest Tom Brady man-crush of all time. You want a running back in the first round of your fantasy draft. And if you have the 1st or 2nd pick, you want Tomlinson or Peterson. It's as simple as that. Taking a QB is tempting here considering the record-breaking potential of both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, but potential, at the end of the day, is only potential (49ers fans certainly know that). Do yourself a favor and go with the guarantee in solid numbers: LT or AP.

2. You Must Have a Safety Running Back: I know I just told you that LT and AP are guarantees for good stats this year. That they are. However, there is always the potential for either player to have a bad week against really good defense, or a strong rushing performance but no touchdowns. That's why you need a safety guy. That's why you want someone like Joseph Addai or Jamal Lewis. These are guys who might be the 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th options on offense for their respective teams, yet are still going to rack up the touchdowns as the season progresses. Addai especially is basically a lock for 1 TD a week, which can help you save face when your #1 RB falters. You don't necessarily have to go out and get this guy right away, but make sure that you have one by at least the 4th round of your fantasy draft.

3. The Second Round is Key: The second round of fantasy drafts is where champions are born and where cellar-dwellers are born as well. However, to succeed in the second round of your fantasy draft, the key is to either read the situation correctly, or make your own destiny. If you know that you will have one of the later picks in the second round, you are going to want to read the situation. Most guys will have taken a running back in the first round, so watch for their next moves. If they take wide recieves, grab a wide reciever. If they take quarterbacks, think about taking a quarterback, but grab a reciever. You just have to remember to be aware of the flow of the draft and not end up with Drew Bennett as your starting reciever and Jon Kitna as your starting quarterback. At the same time, if you are picking early in the second round, attack by picking a quarterback. This is pretty unconventional, but what you will have done is trigger a panic attack for all of the other guys who haven't read this guide. They will start picking quarterbacks like no other, and you will leave yourself at least 1 good wide reciever in the 3rd round to pair with your top-tier QB.

4. Defense Does (Not) Win (Fantasy Football) Championships: It's all about the offense in fantasy football, so don't panic when some idiot takes the Chargers' defense in the 3rd round of your draft. Remain calm, and wait till you are nearing the end of your draft to pick up a defense. Chances are there are going to be some good defenses available, and that's all you really need. Apply the same strategy to kickers, except draft them even later.

5. Tight-End Conundrum: Picking tight-ends is a wacky, imperfect science. If you want to take a shot at Antonio Gates early in the draft, be my guest. It will probably end up benefitting you as your season goes along. However, I am going to wait until the later rounds to pick up a sleeper like Owen Daniels, Ben Watson, or Heath Miller. These are guys who get a lot of looks in the red zone from teams who have smart quarterbacks to find them. Waiting on tight-ends helps you develop some depth at other positions first, like WR and RB.

6. Draft with Your Own Style: What I am about to say may sound highly contradictory, but here goes: draft using your own style. Don't be afraid to buck conventions or try something different (just not too different). Gambles can pay off but they can also backfire, so make wise choices but draft the way you like to draft. So if you want to draft a QB with your first round pick, go ahead. Just don't cry when my team smokes yours in the playoffs.

Do you have your own fantasy football secrets to success? Do you have a different strategy? Do you think I'm an idiot? Hit me up with some comments!

BATMAN!!!!

Sorry, I don't have a real post today because:

a) Today has been one of the more boring days of this summer (sports-wise)

b)I woke up REALLY late (late enough to warrant a lecture from my parentals).

c)BATMAN COMES OUT TODAY!!!!

The movie looks like it's going to be sick-nasty, off-da-hizzle, so everyone go watch it. I've heard from my inside Hollywood sources that Heath Ledger is the scariest clown of all time (seriously, if the picture above doesn't scare you, you are not human). Other than that, The Dark Knight also has Morgan Freeman in it, also known as God, the voice of God, and Narrator. So, if you don't see this movie, not only will Heath Ledger's ghost haunt you, God will not be happy. And that's never a good thing.

All-Star Madness

Bud Selig has finally won.

Major League Baseball's much-maligned commissioner has finally come up with a plan that works. While it may not be a major breakthrough, like a steroid testing policy that ACTUALLY works, Bud Selig has done something that no other commissioner can say they have accomplished. He has brought relevance to his league's All Star Game in a way that has changed the showcase for the better.

Think back to the NFL's Pro Bowl or the NBA's All Star Game. Oh wait, you probably don't remember. This is not to say that you have some sort of memory disorder or are "out of the loop", but merely serves to show that neither of these league's star exhibitions are at all significant. No one knows the score of the Pro Bowl, and the only showcase people care about in the NBA is the Dunk Contest. But Bud Selig, by virtue of giving the All Star Game's victorious side home-field advantage in the World Series, has brought value and importance to the game that has only served to make the game better.

I cannot deny that MLB's All Star Game is still somewhat of a mess. This year's game, which was played last night, only serves as an example. The game featured an early exit from A-Rod, 1 inning stints from quality pitchers, several questionable late-game calls from umpires, the longest game in All Star history, and no Tim Lincecum. But people talked about it. People cared about it. And ultimately, people watched it. That has to be a success for any All Star Game.

Plus, the emotions involved in the game were just awesome. You had Giants complimenting Dodgers, Cardinals high-fiving Astros, and, when it was all said and done, Yankees hugging Dodgers (gasp!). The point is, the players were involved and emotionally attached to the game because it had some weight behind it, a tangible pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This continued even into the late night, and as the game went to extra innings, the tension was visible on the players' faces. AL team manager Terry Francona looked like he was going to cry. Derek Jeter was the first player to leap out of the dugout as his AL squad won on a play at the plate. The stars were there, but more importantly, the stars cared. And in this day and age of multi-million dollar contracts and tabloid news headings, passion, caring, and teamwork is all fans really want to see.

Speaking of passion, no one has more for the game than Josh Hamilton. The man has been to rehab 8 times after being declared the next baseball great, only to emerge this year as a bonafide star. Here is a video recap of his absolute terrorization of the baseball in the first round of the Home Run Derby, in which he hit 28 total homeruns and 3 blasts of more than 500 feet. That's in the first round!

The Brett Favre Saga

I'm sorry, but I can't take it anymore.

You see I truly, honestly, sincerely tried my hardest NOT to write about Brett Favre's latest retirement battle with himself and the Green Bay Packers. I have always believed that this is just Brett Favre's latest shenanigans and that it will all die away when the pigskin starts flying and the hits start landing. But training camp has already started, and Brett refuses to go away.

Here's the deal: I am really sick of Brett Favre. He decides holds a press conference a week after the Packers' last game (a gut-wrenching, OT loss to the would-become Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, in which Favre threw an OT interception). In this press conference, he announces that he doesn't have the heart anymore, that he's not committed to football, blah-blah-blah. He cries, the media writes a whole bunch of sappy Favre stories, and all is good and well. 

Haha, says Favre. Gotcha! Naw man, I was just kiddin' about this here retirement. I'm actually feelin' like playin' some football now! Well guess what Brett, if I'm the GM for the Packers, you've worn out your invitation. We asked you to come back. We asked you to play. But you said no. And now you want back? No thank you, sir. I will kindly take my Aaron Rodgers, Cal grad and apprentice to Favre for the past 3 years, and go to the playoffs without you (you heard it here first). I don't care if you're a Hall of Fame caliber quarterback, bringing you back disrupts our Aaron-specific offensive plan, destroys our current team chemistry, and wrecks the confidence of our future quarterback (Brett's gonna have to retire at some point). Thanks, but no thanks Brett.

But this is where the situation gets complicated. All of a sudden, Favre says, "Release me." Okay, but there are some implications. The Minnesota Vikings and the Chicago Bears, both of whom are in the Packers' division, are one good quarterback away from being playoff quality teams. If you look at the Vikings, they're one good quarterback away from being a Super Bowl quality team. So now what to do, if you're the Packers? Release Favre, trade Favre, or bring him back?

Well here's what I would do: trade him. You are going to get some pretty good value for a Hall of Fame quarterback, so go out and get that value. Another defensive player, a solid running back, or a good wide receiver make the Packers better than the return of Brett Favre does. The best part is, I get to determine where Brett goes, but he still gets his wish to play elsewhere. Win-win situation.

Oh, but the fans are going to revolt, right? Listen, winning now is going to erase winning in the past. Face it, Brett Favre hasn't won a Super Bowl since 1996. If Aaron Rodgers is able to lead the Packers to the playoffs, Packers fans are going to put up "Brett Who?" signs pretty quickly. Niners fans didn't boycott their team when Joe Montana left for the Chiefs because they had Steve Young to take their minds of Montana. Apply that same strategy to this situation, and you have a success. 

That's my take on what the Packers should do. What's yours? Let me know in the comments section, in the poll located on the blog's sidebar, or email me at nbluedevils@yahoo.com.

I Love Ronny Turiaf!!!! (Warriors Update)

Goodbye Baron, hello Corey Maggette and Ronny Turiaf.

In what has been an extremely chaotic week for the NBA, the Golden State Warriors have now signed veteran swingman Maggette from the Los Angeles Clippers. The deal seems to signal what is essentially a trade between the Clippers and Warriors for players Baron Davis (headed to LA) and Maggette (headed to the Bay).

And it seems as if the Warriors are not done yet. They have reportedly signed Los Angeles Laker Ronny Turiaf to an offer sheet, a basic agreement that is the preliminary version of a contract. This gives the Lakers a chance to match the bid from the Warriors, which is a reported $17 million over the next 4 years. However, all sources indicate that the Lakers will NOT match this deal, as they are already about $6 million over the NBA's luxury tax cutoff, meaning they will have to pay even more money for Turiaf.

The Warriors have now stolen players from both LA teams, although the focus still seems to linger around Davis, the one player the Warrriors lost (well they actually lost Mickael Pietrus (Orlando Magic) and Matt Barnes (God-knows-where) as well, but no one cares about them). Baron is now put in quite a sticky situations, as Maggette (the Clippers leading scorer last year) and Elton Brand (the face of the franchise) have both bolted for the Warriors and 76ers, respectively. I feel bad for Baron, but he never should have left the Bay.

On the other hand, GM Chris Mullin has indicated that the Warriors are far from done in the free agent market. The Warriors would like to add a point guard to keep some of the pressure off of Monta Ellis, who it appears will become the new face of the franchise (sans beard, of course). With free agents such as Steve Francis, Kirk Hinrich, and Andre Iguodala potentially hitting the market, the Warriors still have a lot to gain this offseason. Let's hope they make the most of it.

On a side note, I just came back from a week-long journalism workshop at Stanford University. The campus was awesome, the weather was hot, and the advisors were amazing. I have learned a lot and hope to put it into my writing on this blog. Speaking of the blog, things will be returning to a normal schedule, which means you can check in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for your sports news. Until next time, check out this short video about Ronny Turiaf's story from open-heart surgery to the NBA. The man is literally 100% heart and passion, and I am happy that he will be wearing a Warriors jersey next year.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy 4th. Eat barbecue, enjoy fireworks, and be patriotic. Other than that, I am sad to say that the Baron Davis era in Oakland is somewhat officially over. Even though it isn't technically over until July 9th, Baron is supposedly already shopping around for a house in LA. Go figure. Anyways, here is a video of Baron's Top 10 moments from the 2007 season, which was the Warriors' and his best season by far. It brings back so many good memories.

BREAKING WARRIORS NEWS!!!!!

Baron Davis broke the hearts of Golden State Warriors fans across the Bay Area today, opting out of his contract with the Warriors and reaching an agreement to play for the Los Angeles Clippers for $65 million over 5 years. Why, Baron? Why?

Less than 24 hours after telling coach Don Nelson he was going to stay with the Warriors, Davis decided to do the opposite and is now heading to his hometown Clippers. However, it seems like the tables are turning for the gleefully smug Clippers. Now, it appears that the Warriors have offered current Clipper Elton Brand a max contract to become a Warrior. Eat that, LA's least favorite team.

I don't really want to focus on the Warriors bidding war with the Clippers, but instead future prospects for the Warriors. First of all, Baron Davis still cannot technically sign with the Clippers until July 9, but it seems unlikely that the Warriors will attempt to bring Davis back. This makes them a major player in the free agent market this year, and with stars such as Brand and former Warrior Gilbert Arenas on the market, things could get interesting. In fact, the Warriors, in addition to offering Brand a max contract (WAAAAAY more mula than the Clippers are willing to part with), the Warriors have also offered Gilbert Arenas a contract worth a reported $100 million. Of course, the Wizards have reportedly one-upped the Warriors by offering Arenas a deal worth $120 million, but who knows what will transpire over the next few days.

I think that Arenas would really be a great addition for the Warriors, taking over Baron's spot as the PG. Arenas, although a little more selfish of a player than Davis, is possibly more skilled despite the fact that he is coming off of a major knee surgery. Then again, this ruins Monta Ellis' plan to become the face of the Warriors. Brand, on the other hand, would be an interesting player for the Warriors to acquire. He would provide a much-needed post presence, but doesn't really fit Nellie's small-ball offense. Are the Warriors preparing for the post-Nelson era?

Everything is up in the air right now, so it's impossible to make any conclusions about the future of the Warriors or the rest of the Pacific Division. But I ask you, what should the Warriors do? Are Arenas or Brand the right answer? Should they attempt to win Baron back from the Clippers? Where does Monta Ellis fit in? The Warriors have some decisions to make.

If Baron does indeed leave the Warriors, check back in for a Top 5 Baron Davis moments on Wednesday. Until then, pray for the Warriors to make a good move!